Tuesday nite...

I feel like I can't breath. I been down today and I don't know why? Maybe I am scared to go to the doctor tomorrow. I don't know why, it is a clinic and I am sure I will come out of there the same way I went in there, Not knowing a freakin' thing about my health. I am sad today too. I watch Big brother. I don't want Kayser to leave. I like him. I am so sure he will. I just hope that Janell gets them back good. Don't be mean to Kayser. He looked kind of rough tonite. I think he knows he is leaving too. Poor Guy!

My plan was to go to bed early. I was in there, but I just could not sleep or breath. So I came in here (living room) and still I no can breath. I guess my asthma is acting up. I guess I need to tell the doctor to run some test on me. I need to know what is wrong with me. I know I am depress and I have no life. But hey! That is my choice that I have no life. I am so scared that I will get Cancer. Both parents had that and died. I thinking that stress will make you get it. My mom was so stress and depress after my dad died. She ended up with it too. I know now how life is so hard and confuse. What ways to go. How to get there. I want the best for my children. Am I able to give them the best? Why am I around negitive in my life? How do I get away from it and if I do. where do I go. I feel like I am stuck here in my life, I am afraid to step out that door sometimes. Afraid to go some where a lone. I watch t.v. and see how somepeople are so happy and get along so good with each other. Why can't my life be like that? I want a fraiy tale dream life. Every day I will be happy, energy,smiling, sunshine, a all time beautiful life....................Then I wake up..... :'(